Journal Entry #20: Being Me

Date: November 18, 2007
Time: 21:31

Every once in a while, and it hasn’t happened for quite some time now, I get this feeling where I’m tired of being me. I’m tired of everything that’s going on around me; I’m tired of putting up with everything that’s going on around me. I’m tired of my job, and even when I was having difficulty in finding one, I was tired of that. I’m just tired with being me, and I feel that it’s someone else’s turn.

I mentioned this to a friend of mine once. He gave me a fantastic answer, “You need a vacation.” Y’know, if I ever decided to get talked out of suicide, he’s the one I would call last. He didn’t stop to think that even if I were to go anywhere, I’d have to come back, and if I went anywhere and came back, I’d Still Be Me.

So even after deciding that maybe someone else should have the privilege of being me, after all, I shouldn’t be the only one to have this much misery, I figured out why I’m stuck with the job; no one else wants it. And I don’t blame them one bit.

But regardless of all that, I do need a break. I think I may have mentioned this in an earlier post, but my brain has been so addled lately that I’m not sure I remember exactly when. But I need a break. I need to get out of town, possibly out of the state, maybe even out of the country. I need to maybe go to London for two weeks instead of the usual one week, and then spend about two or three weeks just resting. But if that were to happen, there would have to be one proviso that would guarantee my returning. Things would have to change.

My job, for the most part, that would have to go. I am sick and tired of working for a construction contractor. I don’t belong there, I’ve never been comfortable there, and I don’t like it there.

The next thing that would have to change is being at school. I don’t feel I belong at DeVry either. I don’t know what school I’m meant to be attending, or even if I'm meant to go to school, but wherever it is, or is not, I know it’s not where politics and profit margins rule the day.

And finally, as much as I like living where I do, being close to everything I need, I wouldn’t mind living above ground for a change. It has been over twenty years since I moved into this basement apartment.

But none this is going to happen. Why? Simple answer: Because I can’t go anywhere in the first place. I don’t have the time, nor do I have the money. So, what else ya got?

I look forward to an answer.